some days are peaceful

some days are for pajamas and slippers.  they are for sitting (or standing) at his favorite desk.  maybe with his headphones on for a therapeutic listening program.  most likely with markers in hand and fresh white paper at the ready.  better yet if the sun is shining.

some days are for working through his fears calmly and with success.  they are for guiding him through a healthy routine.  maybe with smiles or laughter.  hopefully and prayerfully with smiles and laughter.

some days are peaceful.

but some days are chaotic and sad.  they are full of meltdowns and thrown toys.  maybe with screaming or hitting.  most likely with tears from all of us.

some days are exhausting and bring out the worst in my mothering.

today is one of those days.

but i can look back at these photos and remember the good.

i know there can be peace amidst the messy and difficult.  it is HARD to believe it some days.  i am praying for His comfort and wisdom while walking this path of special needs parenting.

a full heart

 

thank you.

your love and support pretty much rocked me.

i wrote the letter primarily to give future luca a small glimpse into my today heart.  a record of who he is.  memories to hold close and provide understanding. a bit of my love contained in words.

i also wrote it to give others a small glimpse at our reality.  i have been censoring many posts and tweets and status updates these past two months and it became increasingly difficult not to share.  this isn't a craft blog or homeschooling blog, but a my-life-as-annalea blog.  hence the whole blog name.  while aspergers is definitely part of luca's story, it is also mine.  much prayer went into what and how to share.  it came down to the fact that there is no shame here.  nothing to be embarrassed about.  labels aren't bad if used correctly.  i want to make that clear to my son as he grows.  he has been fearfully and wonderfully made.

and i know that by sharing our life, another's might be impacted.  i have read numerous stories over the past year that have given me insight and encouragement.  thank you to those who have shared.  my goal here was to be real and authentic, yet respectful and sensitive.

several of your comments mentioned how blessed luca was to have me as his mama.  man, did that feel like a punch to the gut.  so often i feel like a failure.  so often i lose my temper or become impatient or act out of selfishness.  i know i am imperfect.  amazing that grace, indeed.

all this to say. . .
i am blessed to have luca as my son.
i am blessed to have gia as my daughter.
i am blessed to have enzo as my son.
and i believe He can bless their lives through me.

and, once again, thank you.

Source: obyandtarabennett.blogspot.com via Annalea on Pinterest

you are still the same boy

dear luca,

you are an incredible boy.  INCREDIBLE, i say.  you are clever, creative, and sensitive.  oh so sensitive.  it is your superpower and your kryptonite.  i know the world seems harsh and sad.  thank you for the reminder not to turn callous and numb to the brokenness.  i see you growing up to be a wonderfully empathetic and nurturing man.  i pray you care fiercely all of your days.

right now, you are a lover of all things cute.  you want a cute little hamster so badly (and might even convince us to get one for your birthday).  you are a builder of legos and your imagination soars.  every time i open the freezer, i find your science experiments in the works.  you tell goofy jokes and sometimes they make sense.  but they always make me laugh.  your brother is your favorite person and your sister is your favorite playmate.  you like quiet days at home, green tea with honey and footie pajamas.  you hate sarcasm, scary things and being alone.  you love to talk and talk and talk some more.  you have so many ideas to share.  and goodness, you roll around the house on that scooter board as if training for the olympics.  i hope i don't break a limb next time it is left in the hallway.  you are my time-keeper.  you are my biggest helper.

these past few months have been life-changing for you, my son.  you began seeking answers and craving truth.  you made the decision to follow Christ!  it was such a sweet september afternoon.  your prayers filled my heart with thanks.  and celebrating with birthday cake for that gift of new life was quite a treat.

this fall was also pretty tough.  and that is an understatement.  what a confusing and exhausting year it had been!  we didn't know how to help you through the extreme emotions.  the sleepless nights and the rollercoaster days drained us.  they drained you.  it was awful watching you struggle and suffer.  beginning occupational therapy for your sensory issues helped.  but the anxiety continued to grow.  your papi and i were near desperate.

it was a tuesday in early november during your seventh year that a doctor gave us an answer.  not only are you all of the incredible, wonderful, beautiful things written above (and more!), but you are also a boy with asperger's syndrome.  you are still the same boy.  a child of God and a light in our life.  the firstborn gift that we loved before that day, before this year, before we even held you in our arms.  the diagnosis does not define you or change you.  it will hopefully help us better understand you.

but you are still the same boy.

papi and i will work hard to get answers.  we have many decisions to make.  it will not be easy.  it will definitely be messy.  yes, we have made a lot of mistakes.  please continue to forgive us as we learn to be better parents for you.  as a family, we will choose joy and find beauty.  we don't know what the future will hold.  or what it won't.  what we do know, without a doubt, is that for this we have Jesus.  

and that is enough.

love you for always, so much it often hurts,

mama

october begins

my favorite month is here.

i am determined to eek out as much goodness from october as possible.  most of it outdoors.  i LOVE this time of year.

this first weekend brought us time in the potager.  and a blister from apple tree pruning.  before you say "fun! apple trees!" - they produce NO fruit.  just blisters.  i used to love them.  they are espaliered and all.  but now they just take more work than i have time to give.  i think they will be leaving the potager next year.  which will give the grape vines more room to spread.  that is fun. 

you can actually see the paths now.  weed-ville has been removed.

after church saturday night, the students from our home fellowship joined us for a bonfire.  the gooey marshmallows were devoured.  i heart chilly fall nights around the firepit.

i spent lots of time scrubbing and cleaning.  the kitchen, the indoor fireplace, and the porch were the targets.  as you can see, i had help.

from this jumbled pile, you can have a sneak peak of our porch makeover.  i promise a put together shot or two on thursday.

sunday nights have become pizza + movie nights.  we borrowed the lion king.  i added lots of black olives to my slices.  gooey brownies for dessert.  simple pleasures, folks.

another big part of this weekend was that luca spent friday night and all day saturday with his grandparents.  my honest description?  it felt like we were on vacation.  the increased sense of calm to the home was measurable.  i still struggle with appropriately describing life with a special needs child and the effect it has on our family.  recently, this blog came my way.  what comfort  to read and feel known.  like this?  aside from the allergy issues, i could have written it.  including the weird al reference.  i sing that to my kiddos almost every meal.  and although we have several differences due to homeschooling, so much of this post felt like our life.   please know i appreciate your continued prayers.  thank you for the love and support.

let's end on a bit of random.  after the weekly grocery shopping run with papi, gia came home with this sticker.  hilarious to me.  but, then again, i am amused by unusual things

are you an october lover like me?  how did you ring in the new month? 

today's conversation with luca

(as closely as i can remember it. . .)

mama:  so, sweetie, how do you feel about the questions the doctor was asking today?

luca:  i don't know.

mama:  that's okay.  did you hear what he was telling mama and papi?

luca:  not really. i was looking at the puzzle.

mama:  well, he was helping us understand that your brain works a little different.  he told us you have something called sensory processing disorder.  we can also call it spd.

luca:  oh.

mama:  there is nothing bad about having spd.  you were born that way.  it's kinda like you have super powers.  your senses -the way you hear, touch, and taste things - are soooo strong.  but sometimes they are too strong and they your brain gets confused and it hurts, like on your hard days.  when you have the hard days, we don't know enough about spd and how to help you.  the doctor is going to help.  we'll also meet some new people soon who will teach us more.  we are going to learn about this together.

luca:  that's good.

mama:  but if you have any questions before that, just ask and we will try to explain more, okay?

luca:  okay.  can i play on papi's iphone, now?

mama:  um, yeah, if he says yes.  i love you, bud.

luca:  love you too, mama.

****************************************

if i didn't think he would flip out over it, i would have given him one giant hug right then. : )

we are entering unfamiliar territory as parents to a special needs child.  he is still the same luca, so that kinda seems weird.  but getting a diagnosis makes it feel different.  at least for this mama.

i am thankful to be one step closer to getting the support we desperately need.