the unexpected calm

most days in our home are loud.  like at this very moment, i hear a battle erupting in the kitchen.  be right back.

okay, today is one of those every-second-packed-with-noise days.

but sometimes there are waking moments when my all of my littles are quiet.  last week i was gifted one such afternoon.  an unexpected calm settled over these rooms.  and i was granted new mama eyes.  a chance to see without distraction.

like her face - that tongue! - in concentration.

i expected the spell to break once the goo joined the mix after nap.

except it didn't.
what a gift to just sit and stare.  those feet!

 please, may i always remember to drink in these babes.

********************

sidenote, i am posting this oh so late, because today was pretty much the exact opposite of this post.  too much bickering, complaining, and slamming of doors.  and i did not set an example of grace and patience by any means.  ugh.  i am ending this night with a contrite heart and a prayer for new mercies in the morning.  perhaps you had such a day as well?  let us pray it together then.

xoxo,

annalea

odds and ends

• fall brings out my urge to nest.  (every year.)  so does living in a new house.  this combination has me spending my in-between moments staring at walls and rearranging shelves.  i should finish unpacking.  but this is soul food.
• i will be filling up on soul food this weekend.  and actual yummy food from the state fair.
• above is my new favorite wall.  fruit botanicals and polka dot washi tape?  yes and thank you.
• enzo now does this cute thing where he asks, "dis name?" everytime he wants to know what something is called.  love it.
• which is a good thing, because his dennis the menace act is in full force.  oh we are feeling the effects of no formal occupational therapy for the last 9 weeks.  i'm pretty good, but definitely not a professional.  
• i recently read through this series.  this post just made so much sense to me.  luca hasn't found his translators here yet.  this makes things like attending sunday school at church and hiring a babysitter near impossible.  with time, i remind myself, with time. . .
•  this is a fantabulous time of year to live in new mexico.  the smell of roasting green chiles greets you all over.  the mornings are crisp and bright, begging for big sweaters and hot chai.  but layers are a must because it heats up and bakes the ground each afternoon, calling for sundresses and sweet tea.  and the hot air balloons!
• i am 33 years old,ve been married for 12 years, and have been a mama for 8, but buying new pots and pans made me feel very grown up this week.  my grandma will be so proud that we are rid of the junky mismatched and dented collection.  
• when on the plane back from our recon mission in june, my requests for moving here were new cookware and cowboy boots.  the carrots to be dangled in front of me when i was near exhaustion from the craziness.  i am still waiting on the cowboy boots, jesse.
• did you catch my monthly contributor post at beautifully rooted?  how about ruth's?  He is working all things out.
• don't forget the shabby apple giveaway open until sunday night.
• tonight is pizza-movie night at casita hart.  yay for a nice end to a long week.  and for star wars.  and black olives.

happy weekending, friends.

xoxo,

annalea

my new mexican ballerina

 the girlie has started a ballet class and we snapped some quick backyard pics with jesse's iphone so she could show off her new look.  i think she may be the cutest thing ever in those boots and that jacket.  gia's only request about moving here was to get a new pair of cowboy boots.  her pink ones were the most well worn footwear a couple years back and i was happy to oblige this small request.  i have to say her motivation was to avoid scorpions and snakes, which is a valid concern in new mexico.  maybe not in our backyard though.

true story: the jacket is a 3T that she is now wearing for her 4th fall.  the sleeves are way too short, but nothing a few rolls can't fix.

and can we talk about that topknot?  it is seriously the envy of all messy buns.

 here are a few things j'adore about my gia-bee right now. . .

the way she says "oh dear" every time she is concerned or upset.  simply adorable.

her desire to make new friends everywhere we go and her complete forgetfulness when it comes to their names.

how she holds the door open for each girl in ballet class because it is the "kind thing" to do.

her impromptu concerts and the fantastic songs she can make up on the spot.

 how she wears her shirts backwards so they look good when she pretends she is puppy.

her tea party invitations that surprise me throughout the day so i can join her for a cuppa.  lemon and honey is always provided.

her love of praying for our meals and her joy of family time.

oh these days pass so quickly. . .

don't forget to enter the shabby apple giveaway, friends.

homeschooling and mental health days

so remember when we started the new homeschool school year just last week?

only 7 days down, but it has been so so good.  seriously good.

but like my wise beyond his years 7yo said to me last spring, "good does not mean easy or fun."

 

this year i am almost doubling my workload as mama-teacher, since formally beginning gia on both math and language arts.  from breakfast to lunch, i am on duty.  there are a few short breaks, but really those are for laundry or dishes or praying-for-patience-for-the-next-lesson.  almost none of their work is independent yet and enzo is always around to provide distractions entertainment.  i basically don't stop for hours.

can you picture it?

yeah.

i am tired.

it is good, but i am tired.

then there is the unpacking and house settling in still to be finished.  everything is still in disarray.  last night i went to bed feeling the weight of it all.  this morning, that weight has quadrupled and become 9 months pregnant. 

so today i cancelled lessons.

instead i tackled the boys' room.  trying to find a place for everything.  deciding what to get rid of or pack away.  hanging art on the walls.  relocating every.single.lego to new bins since the old system did not work in this house.  washing bed linens and vacuuming.  once the shelves and mirror go up tonight, it will be done.  completely done.  let's do a little dance to celebrate.

i feel like a new woman.  all i needed was a short break and something to see to completion - my kind of mental health day.  we'll probably do school work on saturday to stay on track.  totally worth it. 

(and yes, the kids ran free, ate dry cereal multiple times, watched too much pbs on netflix, and made a mess of the rest of the house.  totally worth it.)

and then i baked a cake.  out of a box, yes.  but in a bundt pan to make it fancy.

off to enjoy the rest of our day off!

xoxo,

annalea

the rockn' star superhero girl and thoughts on kiddo clothing

 

my 5yo fashionista does not care one iota that every single part of this outfit came to her used.  nope.  she thinks she looks like a rockn' star who can take on the world.  i also can't imagine correcting her rockn' star to rock star.  nope.

i rarely buy clothes for my kiddos. hand-me-downs are the name of the game.  freecycle has been our very good friend.  the thrifting efforts of great-grandma and great-aunts always bring us neat finds from goodwill and garage sales.  and then the grandmas are good for a splurge and a bit of something brand new.  so yeah.  i limit our shopping to the occasional pair of footwear.  maybe a deep discount target or old navy purchase.  i try to be strategic about buying things that will help tie together the free and gifted stuff. 

oh wait.  we bought the shoelaces.  the ultra pre-loved converse needed a pick me up (aka the old laces snapped), so she chose the black with pink stars of course.  because that is so rockn' star. 

all this to say, i like fashion.  i might not be up on all the current trends, but i like clothes and looking cute in them.  pre-mamahood, i also imagined dressing my kiddos in uber adorable outfits each and every day.  the reality is we don't have the money or inclination to put that much effort into their wardrobes.  we make do with what we have and we hope to teach them to be thankful for what is available.  and they are still ridiculously adorable.

here are some of my quick thoughts on dressing the littles. . .

teach standards now that you want them to maintain as they grow.
whether it be how you budget for shopping or what type of clothes exemplify modesty, make sustainable decisions when possible.  and tell them why you chose those standards.

let them have fun.
they are kids.  their clothes will probably get messy.  their halloween costumes might beg to be worn for three months straight.  does it really matter what he wears today?  if it does, then fine.  but if it doesn't. . . remember they are kids.

 let them give input.
if you are not listening when she's 5yo, she might not hear you at 15yo.

 

supergirl shirt : freecycle
black corduroy skirt : hand-me-down
grey short leggings : freecycle
pink socks : freecycle
pink converse : goodwill (gifted from family)
black and pink rockn' star laces : target

now tell me. . . how do you approach children's wardrobes?

olé!

this mama had a night out!

it was oh so good to spend an evening with great friends and my jesse.

yummy mexican food, karaoke, and laughing so hard we were almost sick.

when you get the party invitation 8 months in advance, you know it will be quite the gathering.

for someone who rarely leaves the house these days sans littles, it was a sweet treat.

two margaritas later and i could barely keep my eyes open on the drive home.

(no worries, jesse was driving!)

thanks mom for giving us a little time away.
and for letting us get home after midnight.

olé!

more yeses

my girl loves to paint.

L O V ES it.

she asks for it every morning.

and more often than not, i tell her no.

it is messy and her little brother is crazy and her mama is so tired and it just seems too much.

but i feel my chest tighten with every no.

how much do i really care about the cleanliness of the floors and walls and ceiling?

i know it can't always be yes.

but sometimes. . . more times. . . it can be.

do you have more yeses to give?

a lego police party

luca turned seven in march and we were finally to celebrate with friends over the weekend.  while i am not sure i can break last year's record of planning a party in a day, this one came pretty close.  we had about 5 days notice to pull it off.  party planning ideas and execution come pretty naturally to me, so this was not a huge deal.  and this helps me keep a healthier balance between making it special for my kiddo and not going overboard with details.  plus i just have limited time.

the invitation was simply a photo taken on luca's birthday, edited in picasa with text, and emailed out to friends. 

all of the physical prep was done the day of, because my weekdays have very little extra room.  i did make a detailed list on friday night, but saturday morning was go time.

no better decorations for a lego police party than lego police mini figs, right?  we added  some yellow crime scene tape here and there, with a remnant of navy and white polka dot fabric for the refreshment and gift table.

when the boys arrived, the table full of craft supplies was totally ignored.  the plan was for them to decorate their favor bags with police stamps and colored pencils.  i also printed out some coloring pages from lego.com to keep them busy while waiting for guests to arrive.  the backyard and unfinished tree fort were too enticing, however.  we brought them back to the patio after some of the wiggles were expended.

luca was pretty adamant on what games were allowed.  "guess the legos" was acceptable.  barely.

next up was a police investigation (aka scavenger hunt).   party city sold a lego police mega favor pack for $10 that included 6 different items in quantities of 8.  great deal, right?  each of the boys was given one type of item - police pad, eraser, marker, crayon, sticker sheet, or mini book -  and told to run an investigation in search of the hidden stolen goods.  i liked that this was a team activity, but also gave each boy a chance to take the lead.  they searched the backyard and filled their favor bags upon finding.

after the investigation was complete, they were tasked with the rescue of lego citizens on the front porch.  (the individual bagged mini figs were only $1.50 at meijer last week!)  these were added to the bags and the games were complete. :)

then the big surprise!  i had this crazy brilliant idea on friday night. . .

call the local police station and ask if an officer could stop by!
turns out they thought it was an acceptable use of time.  i whole heartedly agree.

luca was SO surprised and this was his fave part of the day.
i love finding these special ways to love my kiddos.

the officer was super patient with the rambunctious boys and answered lots of questions.
many of the "have you ever been in a car chase?" and "have you caught lots of robbers?" sort.

we also asked why he went into law enforcement, what would be important skills for kids who want to be police officers, and what could they do now to help the police.  this was a great discussion with good advice.  he made a point to tell them that they should be good observers and reporters of their surroundings.  he also said to keep their brains and bodies strong.

then they checked out the cruiser and luca was able to run the lights + sirens.  oh the excitement.  and noise.  surprisingly luca was kay with it.

what else do you serve at a police themed party?  coffee and donuts, of course.  no, we did not give these boys coffee, but hot chocolate made a good substitute.

luca did not want candles or singing.  his party, his choice.

if luca had to pick, he would prefer a position in the forest police force (aka park ranger. but in lego-ese they are called forest police).  so we brought our refreshments fireside and opened gifts around the firepit.  it seemed forest police like.  this is much more luca's style than playing extra games and it was a neat ending to the afternoon.

a party truly catered to luca and celebrates all that makes him him.
and that, my friends, is a successful party.

i love this boy.

linking up to:
get your craft on

world autism awareness day

 

today is world autism awareness day.
april is autism awareness month.

i am much more aware this year than last.
life has forced it on me.

there are a hundred ways i could give autism a face.
there are stories and photos aplenty.
 here is one.

at casita hart, autism sometimes looks like a boy on a swing.
a skinny, yet strong seven year old boy pumping his legs back and forth.

in this moment, luca looks a lot like other kids.

you wouldn't know about the mega meltdown 2 hours earlier.
the kicking and screaming and spitting at the home improvement store.
the mama carrying him outside to keep him safe.
the papi sitting in the back of the van to calm him down.
the little sister playing and helping with her littler brother.

 i have been asked if we could have known at a younger age.
if there were signs we missed in toddlerhood.
if we could have been more aware.

these are great questions.
know the signs.

we went six years before even guessing this was part of our life.
i thought i knew what autism looked like.
for the most part, i did.
most of those checklists did not really apply to our son.

but my understanding was limited.
i did not (really) know what asperger's syndrome looked like.
i am learning.

that said, i do not think we could have known much earlier.
  because, for the most part, luca looks a lot like other kids.

and, odd as it sounds, that is what makes it so hard for me.

with 1 in 88 school aged children living with autism, you probably know someone on the spectrum.
go love on that family today.

some days are peaceful

some days are for pajamas and slippers.  they are for sitting (or standing) at his favorite desk.  maybe with his headphones on for a therapeutic listening program.  most likely with markers in hand and fresh white paper at the ready.  better yet if the sun is shining.

some days are for working through his fears calmly and with success.  they are for guiding him through a healthy routine.  maybe with smiles or laughter.  hopefully and prayerfully with smiles and laughter.

some days are peaceful.

but some days are chaotic and sad.  they are full of meltdowns and thrown toys.  maybe with screaming or hitting.  most likely with tears from all of us.

some days are exhausting and bring out the worst in my mothering.

today is one of those days.

but i can look back at these photos and remember the good.

i know there can be peace amidst the messy and difficult.  it is HARD to believe it some days.  i am praying for His comfort and wisdom while walking this path of special needs parenting.

a full heart

 

thank you.

your love and support pretty much rocked me.

i wrote the letter primarily to give future luca a small glimpse into my today heart.  a record of who he is.  memories to hold close and provide understanding. a bit of my love contained in words.

i also wrote it to give others a small glimpse at our reality.  i have been censoring many posts and tweets and status updates these past two months and it became increasingly difficult not to share.  this isn't a craft blog or homeschooling blog, but a my-life-as-annalea blog.  hence the whole blog name.  while aspergers is definitely part of luca's story, it is also mine.  much prayer went into what and how to share.  it came down to the fact that there is no shame here.  nothing to be embarrassed about.  labels aren't bad if used correctly.  i want to make that clear to my son as he grows.  he has been fearfully and wonderfully made.

and i know that by sharing our life, another's might be impacted.  i have read numerous stories over the past year that have given me insight and encouragement.  thank you to those who have shared.  my goal here was to be real and authentic, yet respectful and sensitive.

several of your comments mentioned how blessed luca was to have me as his mama.  man, did that feel like a punch to the gut.  so often i feel like a failure.  so often i lose my temper or become impatient or act out of selfishness.  i know i am imperfect.  amazing that grace, indeed.

all this to say. . .
i am blessed to have luca as my son.
i am blessed to have gia as my daughter.
i am blessed to have enzo as my son.
and i believe He can bless their lives through me.

and, once again, thank you.

Source: obyandtarabennett.blogspot.com via Annalea on Pinterest

you are still the same boy

dear luca,

you are an incredible boy.  INCREDIBLE, i say.  you are clever, creative, and sensitive.  oh so sensitive.  it is your superpower and your kryptonite.  i know the world seems harsh and sad.  thank you for the reminder not to turn callous and numb to the brokenness.  i see you growing up to be a wonderfully empathetic and nurturing man.  i pray you care fiercely all of your days.

right now, you are a lover of all things cute.  you want a cute little hamster so badly (and might even convince us to get one for your birthday).  you are a builder of legos and your imagination soars.  every time i open the freezer, i find your science experiments in the works.  you tell goofy jokes and sometimes they make sense.  but they always make me laugh.  your brother is your favorite person and your sister is your favorite playmate.  you like quiet days at home, green tea with honey and footie pajamas.  you hate sarcasm, scary things and being alone.  you love to talk and talk and talk some more.  you have so many ideas to share.  and goodness, you roll around the house on that scooter board as if training for the olympics.  i hope i don't break a limb next time it is left in the hallway.  you are my time-keeper.  you are my biggest helper.

these past few months have been life-changing for you, my son.  you began seeking answers and craving truth.  you made the decision to follow Christ!  it was such a sweet september afternoon.  your prayers filled my heart with thanks.  and celebrating with birthday cake for that gift of new life was quite a treat.

this fall was also pretty tough.  and that is an understatement.  what a confusing and exhausting year it had been!  we didn't know how to help you through the extreme emotions.  the sleepless nights and the rollercoaster days drained us.  they drained you.  it was awful watching you struggle and suffer.  beginning occupational therapy for your sensory issues helped.  but the anxiety continued to grow.  your papi and i were near desperate.

it was a tuesday in early november during your seventh year that a doctor gave us an answer.  not only are you all of the incredible, wonderful, beautiful things written above (and more!), but you are also a boy with asperger's syndrome.  you are still the same boy.  a child of God and a light in our life.  the firstborn gift that we loved before that day, before this year, before we even held you in our arms.  the diagnosis does not define you or change you.  it will hopefully help us better understand you.

but you are still the same boy.

papi and i will work hard to get answers.  we have many decisions to make.  it will not be easy.  it will definitely be messy.  yes, we have made a lot of mistakes.  please continue to forgive us as we learn to be better parents for you.  as a family, we will choose joy and find beauty.  we don't know what the future will hold.  or what it won't.  what we do know, without a doubt, is that for this we have Jesus.  

and that is enough.

love you for always, so much it often hurts,

mama

five and fancy

happy birthday, dearest giavanna noelle!

look at you, so fancy in that dress your big brother gave you.  and you are FIVE!  wow.  just wow.

mama is so, so, SO tired from a week of late nights dollhousing, so i'll just have to blog more detailed birthday wishes at another time.  now time to drink a third cup of coffee so i can care for your sicky sick little brother.

we love you and thank our God for the gift of your life!

research, phone calls, and prayer

that is what most of my free time has looked like lately.

research, phone calls, and prayer.

last week, we took that trip out to springfield and met new doctors and filled out more paperwork and listened to new answers.  answers are good, but they bring new questions.

so i spend my snippets of free time doing research, making phone calls, and raising my voice or lifting my pen in prayer.

but then i took a needed break.

i made invitations for enzo's upcoming birthday party.

craft-therapy to the rescue.

just a small way He gives me comfort and heals my heart.

now back to the research and phone calls.

not gonna lie

i am super duper unsure about the next 24 hours.

will my 6yo with anxiety issues be able to handle the coming day and night of spookiness?

this entire month has been one long walk on pins and needles.  the poor kid can't walk into a store without asking us to scope out the aisles for possible halloween scares.  we don't drive down unknown streets if we can help it, because a house or three might have frightening decorations.  we've avoided public gatherings if costumes may be worn.  little sister's dance class is even a bit nerve wracking with that paper witch and ghost haunting the lobby.  

arghhh.

we are hoping for some light trick and treating in the immediate neighborhood tomorrow, but we are also mentally prepared to stay home if needed.

i know this is not end of the world serious.

i know many people - maybe you - don't even celebrate halloween.

but we do.
we enjoy making costumes and carving pumpkins and handing out sweets and walking the streets with a group of friends on a cool autumn night.

it used to fun and games.  now, it is something. . . different.

now it is something to make this mama pray for patience and compassion.
i'll wear a smile, because it is a gift i can offer his tender heart.
mama smiles and brother hugs make him feel better.

 i just want my sweet boy to not be so scared.

that's all.

the animal protector

 

i'm going to go all around the world, mama.  with a team.  and i will learn all the different languages for i can talk to all the people and ask if they want to be on my team.  we will protect animals - endangered ones, my favorite ones.  most of the cute ones are endangered because people like them so much.  the bad guys sell them so they can get rich.  like golden lion tamarins and giant otters.  i will be an animal protector.

luca, 6 and a half years old

delight (defined)

 

this boy is a delight. truly and deeply.

he throws himself into each day with enthusiasm.

his smile could melt the coldest of moods.

he delights in the people and places around him, always waiting for others to join in his joy.

he is our class clown.  oh, the goofy cuteness.

he's quick to hug a sad sibling and most generous with kisses and snuggles.

this boy can't describe this delight through words

he struggles to repeat sounds and label objects.

his face and body language tell the story instead.

but slowly that is changing.

speaking is a delight-ful ability.

yay for speech therapists!

we take great delight in listening for words and sounds.

it is a delight to celebrate these small achievements.

i delight in watching you grow, my boy.

when the burdens grow greater. . .

. . . i look at this photo.

this poem now sits right above my desk.

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,

He sendeth more strength when the labors increase;

i sit down at the end of another long day, look over at these words and then at this face, and thank Him for the undeserved joy.

pray we each find grace and strength that He has giveth and giveth and giveth again.

today's conversation with luca

(as closely as i can remember it. . .)

mama:  so, sweetie, how do you feel about the questions the doctor was asking today?

luca:  i don't know.

mama:  that's okay.  did you hear what he was telling mama and papi?

luca:  not really. i was looking at the puzzle.

mama:  well, he was helping us understand that your brain works a little different.  he told us you have something called sensory processing disorder.  we can also call it spd.

luca:  oh.

mama:  there is nothing bad about having spd.  you were born that way.  it's kinda like you have super powers.  your senses -the way you hear, touch, and taste things - are soooo strong.  but sometimes they are too strong and they your brain gets confused and it hurts, like on your hard days.  when you have the hard days, we don't know enough about spd and how to help you.  the doctor is going to help.  we'll also meet some new people soon who will teach us more.  we are going to learn about this together.

luca:  that's good.

mama:  but if you have any questions before that, just ask and we will try to explain more, okay?

luca:  okay.  can i play on papi's iphone, now?

mama:  um, yeah, if he says yes.  i love you, bud.

luca:  love you too, mama.

****************************************

if i didn't think he would flip out over it, i would have given him one giant hug right then. : )

we are entering unfamiliar territory as parents to a special needs child.  he is still the same luca, so that kinda seems weird.  but getting a diagnosis makes it feel different.  at least for this mama.

i am thankful to be one step closer to getting the support we desperately need.

my other life (aka that homeschool director gig)

 lately, i feel these posts have to be eeked out of the close-to-nothingness that is left in my brain at the end of each day.  and when i say lately, i mean most of this summer.  since i took on the classical conversations director position for our community, my daily to-do list has seriously grown.  and i love it.  this job has been such a great experience so far.   

but it is a job.  i am now working from home part-time and that is a huge adjustment to make in my schedule.  we are still figuring out how to carry this responsibility in a healthy way.  i am hoping to lead with humility, wisdom and excellence.  and while i do that, i am, first and foremost, a wife and mama hoping to serve my family with humility, wisdom, and excellence.  yep, there's that.

this time of year is particularly full as i attend trainings and practicums, hire tutors, provide information meetings, answer e-mails, find a facility, oversee registration, and plan for the coming year.  it has been so neat seeing all of the details come together.  and can i tell you just how amazing the other directors and parents are? 

i haven't spent much time here on the blog talking about all that i do with classical conversations.  but i do feel the absence of sharing a huge aspect of my life.  most of it would not be terribly interesting.  and the parts i would like to talk about . . . well, i don't really have the mental energy to write about right now.  i am feeling somewhat dormant in the output department.  there is still a ton of creativity happening; it just is more on the processing level.  i have learned so much and my mind is being stretched.  oh, if i could sit you down and tell you all about it over a glass of iced tea.

here is what i will tell you on this little blog tonight:

• i am more passionate than ever about home centered education.
• classical conversations is a wonderful organization.
• we are hosting an information meeting for the champaign-urbana group this thursday, 7/21.  see here for more details. 

and that's about it.  if you made it to the end of this, thanks for putting up with all the wordy-ness
xoxo,
annalea