the maddest and the saddest

we made you the maddest ever today mama.  the maddest and the saddest.

yep, my five year old speaks the truth. 

that pretty much summed it up.  maybe not the "ever" part, but i sure was mad (and sad) all day.  luca and gia began to test all kinds of crazy boundaries yesterday afternoon and the behaviors just kept escalating today. i actually took their temp a few times just to make sure the whining, yelling, and hitting wasn't due to a case of the sickies.  nope.  just good old-fashioned make-me-pull-out-my-hair whining, hitting, screaming, yelling, crying disobedience. 

to be honest, i could have done a better job in response.  instead of modeling patience and consistency, i was all over the place with my emotions.  it can be so hard to not feel personally offended when the kiddos have days like this.  i think i cried a few times.  i know i yelled.  i did try to talk it out with them (to little avail).  and i prayed too. which is good.  but i wish i had done more of it.

what is kinda wild, is that i began to spiral down in a ton of other areas.  lack of confidence in my mothering led to major insecurity in homemaking and art.  every single pending to-do became a "see what you can't even manage to get done - what is wrong with you? - and if you tried to do it, it would probably be messed up."  like i was going to ruin everything i attempted.  reverse midas touch? 

i am pretty sure a couple neighborhood teens heard me yelling at one point through an open window and were making fun of my nuttiness.  i would have guessed my first reaction to be embarrassment.  but instead i seriously wanted to run outside and give them a good talking to.  like, did they want to try living my life?  but then i realized i would be that weird "old" lady still wearing pajamas at 3:30pm with spit up dried on her shoulder.

i want to believe tomorrow will be better.  and it can be.  even if luca and gia don't act any different.  i can choose to be faithful as their mama.  that is my prayer tonight.