nothing left

i want to be all eloquent and stuff right now, but i just can't.  and what i also want is to spew out words and release a little stress and process my thoughts and emotions on this here little blog.  but i am too tired.  i have nothing left today.  i gave it all to my three kiddos.  and silly me decided to not ask God for some of His unfailing strength.  instead i just stumbled through the hours yelling and crying and wanting to give up before lunch.  it was awful.  i really did not do a great job of anything today.  except messing up.  yeah, that i did well.

it didn't matter that the older two acted like crazy monsters with incredibly selective hearing and enzo cried for two hours straight.  nope.  it seriously did not matter.  i made my own choices and they were bad ones.  i am owning up to them.  maybe that is one thing i can do well before the day ends. 

i have costumes to finish and e-mails galore to reply to and cleaning (. . .always the cleaning), but i am still upset.  isn't that horrible?  i just want to hold on to my alone time and be selfish and not give anything else to anyone else.  oh wait, i have nothing left anyway.  uggh.  as you can see, i am in a yucky place. 

i am not looking for pity or even sympathy.  i just wanted to be real and share the nitty gritty.  because it is not all about pretty tutorials or frugal home decor or fun family outings.  that stuff is great and sweet and worthwhile.  but it is not the whole story.  the whole story includes my brokenness.  

i think i need to sneak into a couple bedrooms tonight and whisper into small sleeping ears.  i can speak words of aching and love and apology.

as for tomorrow, here is my prayer . . .

do you not know?
       have you not heard?
       the LORD is the everlasting God,
       the Creator of the ends of the earth.
       He will not grow tired or weary,
       and his understanding no one can fathom.  ²⁹ He gives strength to the weary
       and increases the power of the weak.
 ³⁰ even youths grow tired and weary,
       and young men stumble and fall;
 ³¹ but those who hope in the LORD
       will renew their strength.
       they will soar on wings like eagles;
       they will run and not grow weary,
       they will walk and not be faint.

 isaiah 40:28-31

i will walk.  i will run.  i will soar.