on feeling little

 

2012 was the year i became little. 

and the truth was... i was always little.  i just didn't truly know it before.

moving makes you feel little.  you walk in to a room and no one knows you.  what you can do.  your talents and abilities and accomplishments.  there is an allure of starting over and living a life fresh in a place with no mistakes, but... really i have just felt little.  so i guess i was putting a lot of stock in being known. 

identity is so wrapped up in what we do and what we have done.  but we can do nothing and be nothing and He would still choose us.  what do we really have to offer the God of all creation?  the "I am enough" generation scares me.  because we aren't and never will be.  but He is enough for us.  our identity, rooted in His grace and love, is enough.

it is has been hard for me to blog in such a state.  when my whole life feels so small, i can't imagine what is the interest in sharing.  so maybe i turned blogging into something unhealthy?  i forgot that none of this is about me.

it is all about our God. to all glory be given.

i also forgot that i don't have to share the depths of my heart to be real.  we might be struggling, but those smiling pictures of our latest adventure aren't fake.  we might be sorrowful, but i still see the lovely in the broken and i am not being insincere when i praise Him for that.  if i can not share our current struggle because it is too raw or too private, that is okay.

so this finding my voice journey. it is about finding my now-little-but-real voice.  and it doesn't feel quite comfortable yet.  but i probably need to remember that discomfort is part of the deal.

i am joining the nester and will be blogging every single day in october! 

full list of posts here.

a home for the holidays and everyday

happy independence day to my fellow americans!

this long weekend has been about making new memories to fight off homesickness and getting more settled in claiming this rental as our home.

i was feeling blue going into this holiday as the 4th of july was the last major celebration in summer 2012 before moving from illinois. but we surrounded ourselves with friends and festivities.  a parade and a bbq.  fireworks and a thunderstorm.  it was a full and good day indeed.

  we are also working on turning the garage into a therapy room for the boys and getting other odds and ends done around the house.  i can not lie.  it has been nice not having projects and repairs as renters.  but as we look to staying in this place for several more years, i am learning to give myself permission to make it more and more our own.

and investing in my physical space, helps my heart get right.  it is okay to decorate the mantel or turn the chalkboard into seasonal art.  it is okay to change out the bathroom towel holders and add curtain rods.  these small things, they are part of the gift i've been given to provide for my family.  and while not my top priority as a wife and mama, i truly believe that they make a difference.

xoxo,
annalea

on this new road

it has been a year since we made the decision to move to albuquerque.

or, better yet, a year since we trusted God to take us here.

this time last july, we sold our house crazy fast.

we packed up our belongings in three weeks.

we set off on this new road into a new life.

i am feeling a bit homesick today.

but oh so glad that my best friend came with me into all this new.

xoxo,

annalea

our first new mexico easter

happy easter from casita de hart!

i didn't feel particularly intentional about celebrating resurrection sunday this year.  a large part of it was due to the busy-ness of march.  but we are also still struggling with the newness of being here and not there, which creates an in between state of mind.  yes, these baby new mexican roots threaten to pull from the sandy soil. 

behind these smiles were some tender hearts.  at least for my older babes.  ongoing conversations about past years and missed family and our old church.

but they are still goofball kiddos.  and trying to get the right pic can be fun.  as long as i remember not to take it too seriously.  the first shot was fine, but didn't show as much true personality as i would like.  so we kept going.  enzo was our comic relief as usual.  but look at the smiles.  much more real.  below is the end result grabbed with my phone.  i love it. 

and yay!  a lovely family photo!  thank you camera timer.

our church had a fantastic service. the worship felt so celebratory!  i was so thankful for that time with new family.

and my dear friend and i showed up in coordinating flowy dresses.  easter twinsies for the win.

every year i make these cakes.  a lemon meringue and a chocolate nest both via nigella lawson.  yummy indulgences that are better shared with others.

new friends invited us to spend easter with them since we are both without local extended family.  not only did it ease some loneliness, but we are making new memories with new traditions.  plus you know you are with the right people when you are asked if you had a good cry about being away from the known and missed. 

quiche, pancakes, and mimosas made for an excellent brinner.  and then cake!  full hearts and full bellies by the end of the night.

can you guess which 3yo stuck his finger in that cream?

and so ended our first new mexico easter.
a celebration of the victory of the risen King.
bittersweet, but mostly sweet.
 

it's my birthday

 

hello loves.

i am exhausted and my pillow is calling all sirenesque for my head.  but i've been missing y'all and it is my birthday and i want to say hello.  so i am.

so 34 is here and i have noticeably gray hair (which i actually adore) and we live in new mexico.  so there's that.  this year has been a doozy.

"God will take you where you haven't intended to go, in order to produce in you what you couldn't achieve on your own."

we had the privilege of hearing paul tripp and timothy lane speak earlier this month at a conference.  pretty fantastic it was.  and mr. tripp spoke those words and woke me up.  i have been a bit of a cranky toddler lately.  i just don't wanna and such, when it comes to living here and missing our old life.  so i am keeping his words in mind and trying to give thanks for the fruit to come. 

this is my after homeschool group 4 o'clock margarita that joined me on the couch after a long, good, work-filled day.  it was oh so wonderfully left over from an oh so lovely baby shower i co-hosted last night for an oh so amazing friend.  also, these cactus glasses were a wedding shower gift 13 years ago and they kind of fabulously work here in the southwest, don't ya think?

and i asked for trees for my birthday.  meet my meyer lemon beauty.  the house has an intoxicating jasmine-like scent due to her blooms.  who knew emon trees smelled like that?  i also am proud owner to a mexican lime tree.  a doubly happy gift.

and we sipped sparkling lemonade and ate red velvet cupcakes tonight.  so thankful for new friends who made it that much easier (and sweeter) to celebrate by providing the goodies.

here is to a new year in a year already full of so much new.  

i don't really feel like being any more contemplative than that.

thanks for understanding.

xoxo,

annalea

making ourselves at home

". . . some kind of spot in the world is the place we each call 'home', no matter how temporary that place might be. . . Here, wherever it is, is your spot.  This place should be expressing something of yourself.  It should be communicating something of you to your visitors, but it also should satisfy something within you.  You should feel 'at home' here, because you have made it home with something of yourself."

Edith Schaeffer, The Hidden Art of Homemaking

home(sick) for the holidays

 

amidst the favorite-time-of-year thoughts, my heart is heavy.  i knew it would be hard.  not only are memories of our old life packed away with the christmas decorations, but unmet hopes and plans for a future that will not be.  i know we have been given much.  but i can still grieve for a life not willingly given up.  and that is where my problem lies.  i still see this move as a life not chosen.  i did not ask to be uprooted from people and a place we loved.  my soul still asks why.

but we are here.  and it is silly and unwise to let that question take up too much space.  time and new memories will continue to soften the loneliness.  until then, i need to remember that my home is not anywhere on this earth.  i do not belong here.  i am a stranger in a land that will not satisfy.  so homesickness will be a constant companion.  a reminder that there is something greater to come.   

but we are here.  so i gather pretties and i hock together inspiration.  this is what beauty finding and joy choosing in this not-my-home home looks like today.  pulling together bits and bobs to help me find my creative footing.  this is healing.

and i look to a song for the words that sing for my heart.  this advent poetry is doing the job mightily. 

a weary me rejoices.

a place for all the things i don't deserve

excuse the quiet - or perhaps enjoy it? - while we finish unpacking the final boxes and setting up house.  i am determined to find a place for all the things.  i pared down my craft stash by more than half before leaving illinois, but our rental casita is still much smaller.  our bedroom is doubling as our tv area, tripling as my office, and quadrupling as my studio.  so yes, there have been major donations to goodwill.

i would love to say i have had a good attitude about all of it.  i know it is just stuff.  but i am emotionally clinging to these things, like trying to fill the gaping hole our old life left.  there is soul-work happening and the grip on my heart is loosening day by day.  my prayer is for a clearer focus.  He is all i need.  and no thing or place or person will satisfy.

"what do you think you deserve?  to what do you feel entitled?"
these are the questions i ask myself when the emotions spin out of control.  the answer is nothing - or more accurately - condemnation and death.  let she who is without sin answer that differently.

that usually clears up my ungrateful and moody spirit.

we have so much.  we have Life!  instead of seeing what i don't have anymore, i need to remember all that i have been given without merit.  not because i am a better person than the next.  goodness no.  but my life (and all that is in it) is not mine to hoard.  i am to use it for the glory of Him who freely gives.  He who gave it all.

seriously, friends.

are you with me?

 linking up with gracelaced mondays.

starting to feel like home

the books are unpacked and the curtains are being hung and the empty boxes are stacking up.

it is starting to feel like home.

oh so wonderful and homey.

and today is our first day of school!

this mama is (nearly) ready for the coming months.

do you think i can stay away from these shelves long enough to finish my planning?

something familiar

while the hart family homeschool year has not yet officially started (remember we just moved 10 days ago), yesterday began our first week of classical conversations here in albuquerque.  we will wait on adding in the rest of our studies for another week or two, but this mama-teacher was eager to meet the other families in our community.

  in a world of everything new, this is something familiar.

for background, we have been part of cc for the past two years back in illinois.  it is an amazing classical christian homeschool curriculum all on its own that seeks to know God and make Him known. but much of the beauty of the program lies in the local community groups.  they provide encouragement and accountability throughout the homeschool year.  the children are offered the best parts of being a classroom - science experiments, a fine arts project, oral presentations, making friends - but they also come away knowing that there are other kids learning the same stuff.  there are other families singing timeline songs and memorizing the classification of living things.  people - even little people - like to belong.  

classical conversations helps our family feel part of something larger.

last year i had the honor of directing my local classical conversations community group.  before the unexpected relocation to new mexico, i was planning on returning to that role this fall.  as i packed lunches and backpacks sunday night, my heart felt 1200+ miles away.  the folks back in champaign are so greatly missed by our family.  that is the price you pay for being in true community.  and i wouldn't have it any other way.  

so here is to a new city and a new group and a new year.  i'm praying that the relationships here rival those left.

 although i still plan on taking proper first day photos we had a brief session yesterday morning before class.  sweet, silly, and spunky - pretty much sums up our little harts.

last day in this apartment

today i am celebrating the successful hunt for a more permanent residence.  we move to our new rental house tomorrow!  just 3 weeks after signing the short term lease on this apartment, we are packing up and heading out once again.  thankfully this time we are just moving across the city, rather than across the country. 

 

i have been pretty miserable here.  most of it my own doing, considering i chose the bad attitude.  but all the same, after spending our first two nights as apartment dwellers staying at two different hotels due to a crazy intense carpenter ant infestation, saying things started off poorly is an understatement.  add to that, moving in to an unfinished unit that is not what you paid for, while listening to maintenance work for an entire week on the vacant unit above and you have one cranky me. 

 

about 98% of the boxes that made it into this place remain stacked up in the hallways, closets, and around my bed, so there is not too much prep needed to skedaddle on short notice.  it will all be worth it, when i can actually settle in and find our new daily rhythm.  man, have i missed that rhythm.

these photos are evidence (and my confession) that these kiddos have spent way too much time watching television this month.  oh to have a backyard again!  and indoor space for lego building, doll playing, costume wearing and a little room to stretch out.  can i get an amen?

greetings from the high desert

 

well, we made it.

three weeks ago today we left the known comfort of our midwest home.

it has been super hard. 

my tender hearted self wants the pain and sadness to ease up.

this new land of ours is beautiful.  but it is also so different.

throw in some curveballs about housing and health and parenting and i have been this close to hiding under my covers all day. 
these first albuquerque days have not been my most proud.

but what a blessing to actually know people here.

we have shared a few soul + belly feeding meals with friends new and old.

we are oh so slowly finding our high desert legs.

maybe i can start sharing about that here again?

thank you for the prayers and kindness, friends.

xoxo,

annalea

moving week is here

just a few more days in this special home of four years.

today is full of final therapy appointments for enzo, a day visit from a couple old + dear friends, plus an evening of goodbyes with those near and far.  plus more packing.  still more packing.

it felt very official once the party garland came down.

that happy gal has been hanging almost our entire stay.

oh what a neat memory.