all by myself

no, this is not some cute thing luca has started saying. rather this title refers to my actual state of being right now. i am home all by myself. as hard as my ears will strain to hear the pitter patters (or stomping) of luca's feet and the squeals of the gia-monster, i will not be able to hear my children from 128 miles away. after driving to my parents home yesterday and settling in the little ones, i left this afternoon with a much lighter load. it is a lot harder to stay awake while driving when you don't have children to distract you (which i had thought was more dangerous, but now disagree).

jesse and i are about to leave for a weekend getaway. it will be the first trip we have taken sans child since luca was born. i am going to spend my first night away from gia for the first time ever tonight. i have mixed emotions. i so need a mental break and an emotional and spiritual retreat, yet i am missing my babies much more than i thought i would for having seen them only a few hours ago.

but (and this i huge but) i am excited to just think about and do whatever i want to think about and do. this is the biggest change since becoming a parent. you need to become much less selfish and you willingly sacrifice your choices and desires for this liitle person you have been charged with. i feel like i am embarking on an expedition to rediscover myself (not in some new-agey way), and i fully expect to miss my children desperately when we get home.