you are still the same boy

dear luca,

you are an incredible boy.  INCREDIBLE, i say.  you are clever, creative, and sensitive.  oh so sensitive.  it is your superpower and your kryptonite.  i know the world seems harsh and sad.  thank you for the reminder not to turn callous and numb to the brokenness.  i see you growing up to be a wonderfully empathetic and nurturing man.  i pray you care fiercely all of your days.

right now, you are a lover of all things cute.  you want a cute little hamster so badly (and might even convince us to get one for your birthday).  you are a builder of legos and your imagination soars.  every time i open the freezer, i find your science experiments in the works.  you tell goofy jokes and sometimes they make sense.  but they always make me laugh.  your brother is your favorite person and your sister is your favorite playmate.  you like quiet days at home, green tea with honey and footie pajamas.  you hate sarcasm, scary things and being alone.  you love to talk and talk and talk some more.  you have so many ideas to share.  and goodness, you roll around the house on that scooter board as if training for the olympics.  i hope i don't break a limb next time it is left in the hallway.  you are my time-keeper.  you are my biggest helper.

these past few months have been life-changing for you, my son.  you began seeking answers and craving truth.  you made the decision to follow Christ!  it was such a sweet september afternoon.  your prayers filled my heart with thanks.  and celebrating with birthday cake for that gift of new life was quite a treat.

this fall was also pretty tough.  and that is an understatement.  what a confusing and exhausting year it had been!  we didn't know how to help you through the extreme emotions.  the sleepless nights and the rollercoaster days drained us.  they drained you.  it was awful watching you struggle and suffer.  beginning occupational therapy for your sensory issues helped.  but the anxiety continued to grow.  your papi and i were near desperate.

it was a tuesday in early november during your seventh year that a doctor gave us an answer.  not only are you all of the incredible, wonderful, beautiful things written above (and more!), but you are also a boy with asperger's syndrome.  you are still the same boy.  a child of God and a light in our life.  the firstborn gift that we loved before that day, before this year, before we even held you in our arms.  the diagnosis does not define you or change you.  it will hopefully help us better understand you.

but you are still the same boy.

papi and i will work hard to get answers.  we have many decisions to make.  it will not be easy.  it will definitely be messy.  yes, we have made a lot of mistakes.  please continue to forgive us as we learn to be better parents for you.  as a family, we will choose joy and find beauty.  we don't know what the future will hold.  or what it won't.  what we do know, without a doubt, is that for this we have Jesus.  

and that is enough.

love you for always, so much it often hurts,

mama