saying goodbye to clover

just last week, luca was asked what made him happiest in the whole wide world.  

"clover, my hamster," he answered without delay.

this sweet black bear hamster has been luca's favorite of favorites for the past two years. clover was his happy place and a source of constant comfort.  it was recommended that a pet might be therapeutic for autism and anxiety. boy, was that right. clover was an important part of our daily life and our family functioning. and yesterday we had to say goodbye.

 

i would never have guessed it would be so sad! and that drawing above just brings tears to my eyes. this little rodent will always hold such a special place in our memory. he was truly a gift of peace in a tumultuous time.

how good is the provision of opportunities to help our children walk through healthy grief in the small stuff! because the big is inevitable. i am grateful for a safe home. and knowing love that is worth sadness.

we are oh so thankful for clover.

**********************
fyi: when i student taught in college, one of the lesson plans i wrote for my 4yo class was on dealing with the death of a pet.  i used the book i'll always love you by hans wilhelm and it was such a touching story to revisit this week with my own kiddos.   
xoxo, annalea

i miss blogging

here's to hoping i can hang out here a bit more.
(here as in the blog.  but the route 66 diner pictured above is pretty cool too.)
 

because, after six years, blogging is a hard habit to break.

the last two months have been crazy full and i am eager to finally sort through the photos documenting it all.

but i am also a little hesitant.

in this walk as mama to a sweet boy with aspergers and severe anxiety, i tend to shy away from sharing the super messy. mostly for his privacy, but also because my heart is usually unsettled.

i haven't fully embraced this role. 

my expectations and hopes for our life haven't fully realigned with this reality. 

i get angry. a lot.

i am sad. most of the time. 

but i love him fiercely and pray for God to give me supernatural peace and comfort.

today and tomorrow and the next day.

here's to finding the a balance.
(which might mean photo-only-posts when i can't find the words at the end of a day.)
 (and i think that is just fine.  heather told me so.)
 
so friends, what have you been up to lately?

xoxo,
annalea

the practice of patience

here's the truth. we accomplished more homeschooling in the first month of 2013, than the previous 4 months combined. it had little to do with new year vigor. instead i attribute this january success to being further removed from the chaos of moving cross country with short notice. we were a bit out of our minds last fall. not that we are quite steady yet, but much closer to sanity for sure.

it is not unusual to find me in pjs on the couch earnestly praying for patience while coaching luca through reading and writing. he is such a bright kid. he knows his stuff and then some. but we have much anxiety to work through that 30 minute lessons drag on for hours. this is no joke. our commitment to homeschooling has been regularly challenged, but the calling remains the same.

i often hear mamas tell me that they do not have the patience for homeschooling. more than any other reason, this is what i am told in a "why i can't/don't/won't homeschool" discussion. seriously folks, i am not a patient person. ask my husband, my parents, my good friends. it is not natural for me. at all. and guess what? God has given me ample opportunities to refine this shortcoming through homeschooling. 

thank you, Father, for the daily practice of patience.

you are still the same boy

dear luca,

you are an incredible boy.  INCREDIBLE, i say.  you are clever, creative, and sensitive.  oh so sensitive.  it is your superpower and your kryptonite.  i know the world seems harsh and sad.  thank you for the reminder not to turn callous and numb to the brokenness.  i see you growing up to be a wonderfully empathetic and nurturing man.  i pray you care fiercely all of your days.

right now, you are a lover of all things cute.  you want a cute little hamster so badly (and might even convince us to get one for your birthday).  you are a builder of legos and your imagination soars.  every time i open the freezer, i find your science experiments in the works.  you tell goofy jokes and sometimes they make sense.  but they always make me laugh.  your brother is your favorite person and your sister is your favorite playmate.  you like quiet days at home, green tea with honey and footie pajamas.  you hate sarcasm, scary things and being alone.  you love to talk and talk and talk some more.  you have so many ideas to share.  and goodness, you roll around the house on that scooter board as if training for the olympics.  i hope i don't break a limb next time it is left in the hallway.  you are my time-keeper.  you are my biggest helper.

these past few months have been life-changing for you, my son.  you began seeking answers and craving truth.  you made the decision to follow Christ!  it was such a sweet september afternoon.  your prayers filled my heart with thanks.  and celebrating with birthday cake for that gift of new life was quite a treat.

this fall was also pretty tough.  and that is an understatement.  what a confusing and exhausting year it had been!  we didn't know how to help you through the extreme emotions.  the sleepless nights and the rollercoaster days drained us.  they drained you.  it was awful watching you struggle and suffer.  beginning occupational therapy for your sensory issues helped.  but the anxiety continued to grow.  your papi and i were near desperate.

it was a tuesday in early november during your seventh year that a doctor gave us an answer.  not only are you all of the incredible, wonderful, beautiful things written above (and more!), but you are also a boy with asperger's syndrome.  you are still the same boy.  a child of God and a light in our life.  the firstborn gift that we loved before that day, before this year, before we even held you in our arms.  the diagnosis does not define you or change you.  it will hopefully help us better understand you.

but you are still the same boy.

papi and i will work hard to get answers.  we have many decisions to make.  it will not be easy.  it will definitely be messy.  yes, we have made a lot of mistakes.  please continue to forgive us as we learn to be better parents for you.  as a family, we will choose joy and find beauty.  we don't know what the future will hold.  or what it won't.  what we do know, without a doubt, is that for this we have Jesus.  

and that is enough.

love you for always, so much it often hurts,

mama

not gonna lie

i am super duper unsure about the next 24 hours.

will my 6yo with anxiety issues be able to handle the coming day and night of spookiness?

this entire month has been one long walk on pins and needles.  the poor kid can't walk into a store without asking us to scope out the aisles for possible halloween scares.  we don't drive down unknown streets if we can help it, because a house or three might have frightening decorations.  we've avoided public gatherings if costumes may be worn.  little sister's dance class is even a bit nerve wracking with that paper witch and ghost haunting the lobby.  

arghhh.

we are hoping for some light trick and treating in the immediate neighborhood tomorrow, but we are also mentally prepared to stay home if needed.

i know this is not end of the world serious.

i know many people - maybe you - don't even celebrate halloween.

but we do.
we enjoy making costumes and carving pumpkins and handing out sweets and walking the streets with a group of friends on a cool autumn night.

it used to fun and games.  now, it is something. . . different.

now it is something to make this mama pray for patience and compassion.
i'll wear a smile, because it is a gift i can offer his tender heart.
mama smiles and brother hugs make him feel better.

 i just want my sweet boy to not be so scared.

that's all.