grief remains, joy blooms

earlier this morning, i posted some over-the-top adorable pics of our littlest little.  goodness, does he make my heart swell.  although he has been eighteen months old for a couple weeks, i thought today was a fitting time to stare at that sweet face, to celebrate his short life.  enzo is an immense source of comfort and sunshine.  you see, today is the two year anniversary of our due date for sweet baby three, harehok.  enzo is here because of our loss.  this boy is a true gift.

the grief remains.  i don't expect it to leave.  it is part of my story.  but this year it is not crowding out the goodness.  it is less of a weed and more of a wildflower.  my life is not less joyful because of the giref.  in fact, i experience joy more fully knowing sorrow.  the joy blooms.

to commemorate this anniversary, we have been making small bouquets to share with neighbors and friends.  a thank you for their presence in our life.  this is a simple and satisfying way to share love and beauty, while embracing our grief.

luca and gia wrapped halved paper doilies and garden twine around glass jars reused from the kitchen.  a backyard bouquet of roses, peonies, mint, and wildflowers were collected.  they are a bit breathtaking, if i do say. 

you might not have as many flowers to choose from.  but a tiny bouquet of herb cutting or even dandelions in an empty spice jar make a sweet gift.  i bet you know someone who would love one.

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over at life rearranged, the infant loss and miscarriage series is coming to a close.  the accompanying fundraiser to benefit the now i lay me down to sleep foundation is at 77% of it's goal and closes sunday, june 5th.  if each one of you reading donated just $1, we could help make a serious dent in that remaining $460.  please check out the website and the guests posts.  and please consider a donation. 
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10 pm on a saturday night

um, hi.  been a few days, hasn't it?  it felt like i barely kept the family fed and in clean clothes these last few days, so blogging was kind of out of the question.  usually it is a healthy release for me, but it would have been just another thing to do this week.

lots of things going on.  luca needs a patch for his weak eye (he is not a fan) and family photos were taken (thanks alan!), we went to a barn dance (yeehaw!) and the laundry battle was finally won (jesse and i tag teamed it all morning).  enzo's first birthday is in a week!!!  (how did that happen?)

and those we love had such big life stuff happening.  with a sick little girl in tanzania and a dad needing quadruple bypass surgery and new babies being welcomed.  wow.  my heart is stretched.

for us, the big stuff included the two year anniversary of saying good-bye to harehok.  i am a bit out of sorts and working through some of that as well.

but i just want to say hello to the new friends stopping by.  and the old ones too.  you are all so loved.  do you know that?  you really are.  and i am not the only one who feels that way.  i can't even begin to understand or explain how much God loves you.  HE LOVES US!  and we need that love.  desperately and completely.

xoxo,
annalea

an anniversary of a different kind

last week marked my three year blogiversary and our two year housiversary.  i like celebrating that stuff.  helps me to take time and embrace life.

but thursday was an entirely different kind of anniversary.  our little harehok was due this time last year.  visions of first birthdays and such run through my head.  basically, i have been in a bit of a funk.  emotionally confused.  needing some breathing room. 

that's okay.  i think i am going to curl up and take comfort in my King. 

grief: 18 months later

i have been thinking about how awful i felt last year at this time.  may 2009 was just terrible.  i shared a bit of my heart here.  some of those feelings have been welling up again, as i knew they would.

i stare at my sweet lorenzo's face and think of the incredible beginning to his story.  his life - his being - is beauty from ashes.  he helps me stay tangibly connected to our third child. and has been a balm to my hurting soul . . . as i desperately prayed, but also nervously expected, he would.  

and if may 2010 is difficult too, then so be it.  i can cling to my HOPE and run to my LOVE.  that is the ultimate balm for this soul.  and until then . . . it is okay if i am sad.

sorrow is better than laughter, for by sadness of face the heart is made glad.

ecclesiastes 7:3

looking ahead and looking back

just wanted to let you all know that we are still waiting for the boy to make his appearance. this week has included two trips to labor and delivery. ugggh. every night i feel like i am in the beginning stages of labor and every morning i wake up in my own bed at 7am. are they making a sequel to groundhog day? have i been casted? i am exhausted physically. i am nervous about the state my body will be in when i actually have to deliver this little guy, but all i can do is rest all day.

this week has been tough for another reason. exactly a year ago tonight, jesse and i were sitting in the emergency room waiting to hear the heartwrenching news about our little harehok. i have been really struggling at this bittersweet time - the continued sorrow over our loss and the anticipation of such happiness.

i appreciate the prayers said for us and the kind words sent to us this week. thank you all. i might not get back to you before the cashew arrives - spending my time focusing on what i need to get through - but know that our hearts are touched by your love.

grief: 28 weeks later

my last post was titled "thankful." i am. my baby cashew is now almost 16 weeks.

but, i am aching with sadness. it has been 28 weeks since we lost our harehok and the due date for our precious baby is only 6 days away. the last few months have been very difficult for me as this time approached. i have been more absent from this blog than ever - an inability to write about what i am feeling yet a desire to be honest has led to less posts. i am still not sure what i can express at this time, but i finally feel able to say, "i am sad." more than sad - i am still devastated. i wake up every morning thinking about my baby. every week, without counting, i know how far along i would have been in the pregnancy. many may forget about the little life i carried for 11 weeks and 1 day, but i never will.

i feel like a completely different person. i don't like parties, large groups of people, and even somtimes people in general. i mean, i like people; i just don't want to be around them. i have always been a very open person. now it is awkward and uncomfortable to be with people when i can't, don't want, or need not to be. does that make sense? i am more melancholy than i have been in my life. i have gone from extrovert to introvert. it is like learning to write with your other hand - which i watched my mom do after her brain surgery. it is messy and it takes time. but the result is not bad. my mom has one of the most unique and beautiful handwriting i have ever seen.

the one thing that hasn't changed is the HOPE i carry inside. regardless of my misery, or perhaps even more because of it, God is with me. He knows that this broken world will not satisfy. it will not be a balm to our pain. but He is. He promises something so much more and i maintain a HOPE in that promise.

so i am finally going public. this is not over for me. it will never be over. thanks to those of you who remember - for continuing to ask how i am feeling, for listening when i can talk about it, for the card i received earlier this spring just sending me love as the due date approaches (love you michelle).

thankful

we want to express our gratitude for all of the heartfelt words, continued prayer, and loving support we have received these last two and a half weeks. i have spoken to very few of you, but please know i am so thankful for all of your calls and e-mails. thank you as well to our amazing church family for providing us with much needed physical support - the meals and babysitting were so generous.

there have been many tears, but even better, we have found comfort and peace. we still feel the pain and sadness, but we are also beginning to be able to reenter public without so much difficulty. i may share more of how we are recovering, but will mostly focus on the rest of our lives in future posts.

in the name of Our Savior,
annalea

grieving

i woke up this morning feeling like i had been hit by a truck. every part of my body aches. some of that is my body physically working through this ordeal. but not all.

on wednesday night, i began showing some signs of a miscarriage. i dialed the number so fast with shaking hands, i am surprised i got through. the nurse on the phone amazingly understood me through my hiccuping sobs. we rushed to the emergency room. thankfully my dad was here with the kiddos. after an agonizing wait of two hours sitting by a window, each time an ambulance with its flashing lights drove up in the bay, my heart dropped knowing the beds were needed for more urgent situations. but we finally were called back. my exam and ultrasound were inconclusive. although the doctor and nurses were very kind, they could only call our midwife practice and let them know i needed to be seen in the morning. if the baby was fine, i could only rest and wait. if not, the same was true.

i didn't think i would be able to sleep. we just sat on the couch, feeling a bit numb and confused, until fatigue from the stress hit us. so ended the scariest day of my life up to this point.

blurry eyed, i woke early the next morning. the skylights showed the day was still dark, but suddenly i was wide awake. i spent the next few hours researching on-line. my hope was rising. one statistic i read, said only 50% of pregnancies result in miscarriages with the symptoms i showed. luca and gia slept in (grandpa let them stay up a little late the night before) and we started that day somber, yet expectant. the nurse called right when we all sat down to eat breakfast and asked us to come in asap.

we quickly packed up bags for the kids with food (gia's lip was trembling as we took her newly poured bowl of cereal - she looked at me like, "you are not going to let me eat?") and rushed them over to a friends. luca was thoroughly disturbed by this, continuing to protest, that we needed to go back home and eat breakfast. after dropping them off pajama clad and hungry, we began the drive to the clinic.

the check-in and wait was very quick, the looks the receptionist's and sonographer's faces gave us made me want to scream. we didn't know anything yet, but they looked so sympathetic. laying on the table, watching the screen as the ultrasound began, reality began to hit. regardless of how she moved the transducer, the image on the screen was eerily still and silent. no flashing pulse of a heartbeat. as the tears beagn to fall, the technician quickly and without comment began to make her measurements. when she turned off the machine, i pretty much lost it. she slipped out to give us privacy and we sat in the dim room hugging.

after a few minutes, a nurse came in, placed a handful of tissues in my palm and led us through a maze of hallways in order to avoid the waiting room of pregnant women. we had only met with one of the six midwives from the practice and they thoughtfully called her over from the hospital to speak with us.

baby harehok (as he/she will always be known in our family) was about 9 1/2 weeks along in size, meaning it was about a week and half ago that he/she died. there is no specific cause for the miscarriage, just that it is possible there may been some sort of malformation making it difficult or impossible to keep growing now and/or live outside the womb. not that that information makes it any easier.

the decision now is to let my body take care of things naturally if possible, but i will continue to be monitored to make sure my hcg levels lower. in two weeks i have another ultrasound scheduled and at that time the need for a d&c will be determined.

yesterday was spent in a state of shock and continued numbness. although the cramping has continued, no other symptoms are now happening. i will probably be in a lot of pain and discomfort over the next couple weeks. emotionally, we have no idea what to expect. jesse tried to stay busy with the kids and house yesterday, while i was unable to focus on anything. it took me several hours to write the short e-mail we sent to our friends. we slept for a couple hours while the kids were down, and just kind of glided through the day. finally, time for bed. so ended the saddest day of my life.

so today. i first woke at 4am and walked around the house like a zombie for 45 minutes. when i went to take more pain meds, and didn't recognize myself in the mirror. then came the true morning. and the whole truck feeling. i have no idea how i got through this post.

thankfully, we have amazing friends to help us. so many offers to help. the only problem is not being able to focus on what we need.

the kids are at the library, while jesse and i pull ourselves together a bit. not completely though. we are grieving and that is messy.


"Behold, I will create new heavens and a new earth.

The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind.

. . . the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more.

Never again will there be in it an infant who lives but a few days. . ."

Isaiah 65: 17, 19, 20

we're pregnant!!!

we're pregnant. that just seems like such a shock to me still. not that i am having a third child, but that i was able to get pregnant so easily for a second time. honestly, i almost have blocked out how difficult those years before luca's pregnancy were and the incredible toll it took on me emotionally and spiritually. both jesse and i had to undergo surgeries (three between us), i had monthly injections of horrible stuff to trick my body into healing, and at the end of two plus years we used fertility drugs before getting pregnant. second time around was such a blessing (and so unexpected - over the phone, a nurse called to cancel a surgery because, "are you sitting down, annalea? your pre-op blood work showed you are pregnant." what?) but i had such mixed emotions about trying to get pregnant again. would it be a similar to either of those experiences? or would it be something completely new and unknown?

well, this feels like april 2006 all over again. after only one month of trying, we were surprised and excited to see the positive test. i actually took the test on a fluke. i wasn't late and shouldn't have been able to get an accurate reading, but i had an expiring test and was being moody and impulsive. imagine my surprise!! i am 6 weeks along and due june 3rd.

luca is so excited. he talks to the baby all day long. (he put his mouth up to my belly and speaks softly, narrating our day - adorable!) he has also named the baby "harehok." he is utterly serious about this. he tells me regularly that he loves the name and that it sounds really good. he likes looking at the pictures of what babies look like in utero (he labeled one of these photos as "so cute and tiny") and often asks me, "how big is the baby today? like a bean?" gia likes to imitate her brother and kiss my belly. mostly she just says "baby belly" and then runs off to do her own thing.

i already had two appointments so far. my first was a "pre-natal class" that the local hospital/clinic requires. really it means, do paperwork and get a preview of their practice with other expecting moms. i appreciated this time since i am at a new facility and have a new doctor. i have to say i am not thrilled about my new ob/gyn. nothing particular, it is just that i loved my old doctor.

one of the helpful aspects of the "class" was asking the nurse a ton of questions about the midwives rotation that the practice offers. i have considering using a midwife for any future pregnancies, especially knowing i was leaving my old doctor. since both of my labors were so long and intense, the resulting deliveries were fairly difficult. nothing long-term serious nor was surgery needed, but just enough complications that i was interested in trying something different. so i will be seeing the midwives for my appointments (they have 7 on rotation and i will see all during my pregnancy. then i will be assigned one when i go into labor.) the biggest difference is that they will be present throughout my entire labor, rather than coming and going like the doctors. i am hoping this will help ease my way into delivery and that she (or he) will be able to foresee any potential problems. i will still deliver at the hospital.

my second appointment was with a nurse practitioner (it was scheduled before the midwives decision) and was a quick check-up. i think i was spoiled back in normal. i had a ton of sonograms and lots of time with the doctor. here i think i will only get one sonogram at the halfway point. (at which point we will be hoping to find out boy or girl.) jesse had to go on a last minute business trip so i was the mom all by myself with two young kids in the waiting room doing an awesome job keeping them occupied. the three of us celebrated by going to a fave eatery in c-u (empty at 10:30am), buying a few croissants, and watching the rain through the windows.

overall, i feel great. a bit of food and smell aversion (had to leave the grocery store while shopping and sometimes can't open the fridge), but my energy level is up. this is pretty much expected. my fibro begins to ease up as my hormone levels change. hard to explain. i feel pregnant (fatigue, backaches, etc.) but it is so different than usual that i just love being pregnant. amen for that!