grief: 28 weeks later

my last post was titled "thankful." i am. my baby cashew is now almost 16 weeks.

but, i am aching with sadness. it has been 28 weeks since we lost our harehok and the due date for our precious baby is only 6 days away. the last few months have been very difficult for me as this time approached. i have been more absent from this blog than ever - an inability to write about what i am feeling yet a desire to be honest has led to less posts. i am still not sure what i can express at this time, but i finally feel able to say, "i am sad." more than sad - i am still devastated. i wake up every morning thinking about my baby. every week, without counting, i know how far along i would have been in the pregnancy. many may forget about the little life i carried for 11 weeks and 1 day, but i never will.

i feel like a completely different person. i don't like parties, large groups of people, and even somtimes people in general. i mean, i like people; i just don't want to be around them. i have always been a very open person. now it is awkward and uncomfortable to be with people when i can't, don't want, or need not to be. does that make sense? i am more melancholy than i have been in my life. i have gone from extrovert to introvert. it is like learning to write with your other hand - which i watched my mom do after her brain surgery. it is messy and it takes time. but the result is not bad. my mom has one of the most unique and beautiful handwriting i have ever seen.

the one thing that hasn't changed is the HOPE i carry inside. regardless of my misery, or perhaps even more because of it, God is with me. He knows that this broken world will not satisfy. it will not be a balm to our pain. but He is. He promises something so much more and i maintain a HOPE in that promise.

so i am finally going public. this is not over for me. it will never be over. thanks to those of you who remember - for continuing to ask how i am feeling, for listening when i can talk about it, for the card i received earlier this spring just sending me love as the due date approaches (love you michelle).