a tired fifth of july (vlog)

so here is my first vlog.

not too exciting.

and not too long.

just a short shot of me saying hi. because it is kinda nice to actually hear someone saying it, right?

things to note:

when i say "too tired to type", i mean too tired to think of what to type, write it in some sort of interesting way and accompany it with some good photos.  that is usually refreshing to me.  tonight it would have been exhausting.  this is a tough fibro week, folks.

i meant to say "i thought it would be fun" - not funny. it bothers me that i used the wrong word.

it surprises me i sound that coherent.  because i just really am that tired.  but maybe you don't think i sounds coherent.  and that is okay.

ooh, and i wish i had asked how you are doing?  so. . .

"how are you doing on this fifth of july?"

also, the cucumber was yummy.

and so was gia's little before dinner prayer:

"thank you God for all this meal and all this day and all this land. amen."

amen.

pain and loopy-ness

i hurt my neck.  like i can hardly move pain.  sigh.

i may be afflicted, but i am not crushed.  i refuse to be downtrodden.  not that frustration and disappointment aren't waiting to be let in.  they are.  but i am double bolting that door tonight



aren't dirt encrusted fingernails just the cutest?  i love 'em.  a sure sign of being outdoors.  which we did a lot of yesterday.  jesse even got to rent a jackhammer.  don't be jealous.

blogging will probably be light this week, as i can barely sit up, much less type.  and when i can, it is because of the muscle relaxers.  which make me loopy.  so kind of a good idea i don't try to publicly write out my loopy-ness, right?

xoxo,
annalea

p.s. enzo is still a bit sick.  keep praying for his recovery.  also, my husband is awesome.  just sayin'.

baby, it's cold outside. . .

. . . and that is to be expected.  illinois and december usually equal cold.  but 1) when it barely reaches the teens, i try to stay home as much as possible and 2) when i have spotty internet, i go a little batty with cabin fever.  i have been kicked off blogger so many times this weekend it is a bit ridiculous.  and twice while writing this post.

oh well, i got a little more sewing done than i would have.  and definitely more cleaning.  i can't wait to show y'all my new pillow cases!  and i have a few more advent collages to share.  that is if i can get comcast, my laptop, and this fibro-ridden body to cooperate.



on a not-as-bitter-but-still-quite-cold day last week, we picked up our christmas tree.  here is the outing in photos, with no captions, because i just want to hit publish, okay? 

 


















p.s. do you watch the sing-off on nbc?  we loved it last year and season two premiered tonight.  so, so good.  seriously.  check it out.

enzo's big weekend (or the best baby smile ever)

so not only did baby boy decide to start standing independently and learn to clap his hands yesterday, but this morning he said his first word and took his first step.  isn't it neat how that happens all at once?

i love this age.  love it, but also dread it.  my fibro-ridden body makes chasing after a mobile baby and young toddler very difficult.  so as exciting as these milestones can be, i also need lots of prayer for the next 6-12 months.  i have already seen the effect his increased crawling speed has had on my energy.  but back to the celebrating . . .



this face just lights up a room.  his smiles start at the top of his head and reach to the tips of his toes.  i swear he can turn your entire day around with that smile.  i speak from experience.   

we pretty much think it is the best baby smile ever.  and it is so great of him to give them out so freely. 

oh yeah, enzo's first word was ball.  his absolute favorite toy.  and the kid has an arm.  throws that thing across the room.

here's to a week full of smiles for all of us!

xoxo,
annalea

funkiness, dreaming and a prayer

this funk is making my funk funkier
does that make sense?

i am in a funk.  that puts me in a funk.  therefore, i am funkier by the minute.  uggh.  it is making my skin crawl.

i want to quit reliving yesterday or stressing about tomorrow.  i want to be in today.  in the right now.  tomorrow will worry about itself.

but first i need to shake this funk.  and since i am in so much pain (yay fibromyalgia!), i will do that by dreaming up some diy projects.





this summer, i found two lamps on separate thrifting trips.  $11 total for both.  we did not have lamps in our living room before, so anything is an improvement.  but they will be revamped.  for now i am still dreaming up their futures.



and then there is this corner.  it has yet to feel right.  the problem is i dream of a piano in lieu of this dresser.  so i hesitate to do anything and end up ignoring it.  i need to get over it.  i need to find a way to make it work for now.  or maybe i will just stay busy with everything else and come back to it in the spring.  (because our christmas tree will need this space in two and half months.)  hmmmmm. . .

actually i think i will pick up my bible and read some truth.  i will pray that God helps me engage in the now moments.  i will ask for renewed strength.  i will ask for humility and perspective and grace.  that sounds about right.

xoxo and goodnight,
annalea

what do you do when you are in a funk?  

did you know. . .

. . . that i wore heels almost every day in high school? but i can't now because of my pain-ridden ankles and feet.  i think they are oh-so-pretty though and sometimes i give in to temptation.  then i have to walk barefoot at a wedding reception for that mistake.

. . . that i have three canes?  they are all cheap and from the drugstore.  two of them are brown wood.  the second was bought by my dad during my grandfather's funeral.  i collapsed and had forgot to pack the first one.  my third cane is black metal and -get this - collapsible.  so i can stick it in my bag just in case.  like on trips.  actually super helpful.  but unattractive.  i feel like if i invest in a real non drugstore cane, it is admitting defeat.  defeat of what, i am not sure.

. . . that i can't sleep because of my fibromyalgia?  but i am oh-so-tired.  and have had my fill of blog hopping for the night.

. . . that i am praying for the Spirit to help me in my weakness with groans that words cannot express?  isn't that idea just amazing.  one of my favorite verses.

thunder & lightning & forts (oh my)

on this very stormy morning, we are hiding out in the coolest-fort-ever that was built during our staycation.  don't you want one?

quick life update:  i am in the midst of the worst fibromyalgia flare-up in maybe 7 years.  my whole body is aching and in pain.  i am sluggishly moving through the days.  the shoppe is still open as of now, but i will let you know if that changes.  thanks so much for all of the thoughts, prayers, and words of encouragement!  xo, annalea

farewell june

still here.  in pain, but still here.  typing and pretty much all computer work makes me feel worse, so i am limiting my time on here.

ready for our upcoming long weekend staycation.  uber ready.

not so sure i am ready for july though.  how about you?

please pray for healing, perseverance, and patience.

miss you,
annalea

a bad one

my fibromyalgia woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

i have been struggling to fight through the pain and fatigue.  i am just soooooo tired.  like walking around in a fog tired.

i just want to scream!!!

why?  why does my body have to do this?  why can't i feel normal?

yep.  that's what i would do if i had the energy.

this makes me feel s t r e t c h e d as a mama.  it is hard to find a balance in the day to day.

sooooo. . . i have nothing super duper interesting to share tonight.

i did get to take some cute photos of my friends this afternoon - maybe they will even let me share them on here later.

and i took out my stress over the fibro on an old t-shirt. . . with some fun results.  show you later.

i will leave you with a face that brings me constant smiles - even through the tears of frustration.

today's choices (so far)

i will not be bitter at jesse's job for making him work overtime every night this week.

i will be thankful he has a job that provides for our family.

i will not be mad at jesse for waking up late. 

i will pack him a special breakfast instead.

i will not go to zumba this morning.

i will stretch at home instead.

i will (try to) not be mad at missing zumba again.

i will be thankful i have the option of a great gym and pray that i can make it next week. (and pray that i will not be mad about missing it).

i will hobble around my house in pain rather than hide in my bed.

i will also take lots of breaks.

i will not feel bad about eating a cookie with my banana at breakfast.

i will drink a second cup of hot chai - which is more lukewarm by now.

i will not do laundry this morning.

i will read more of my book when enzo is napping.

i will not worry about dinner. (yay for leftovers!)

i will thank God for friends and family who bring us food.

i will not think of today as the end of the work week but the beginning of the weekend.

i will help luca build a train track.

i will not stress out that i can not sit on the ground in pain to play with him.

i will work on potty training with gia.

i will not stress if she fights me on it.

i will cuddle my baby (a lot).

i will not stress out if i have to put him down when i am in pain.

i will thank God i can be present with them today.

i will not take out my fibro frustration on my family.

i will fight for a life that glorifies God amidst my struggles.

a monday in february

although i finally packed these clothes away over the weekend, it is true they sat here for almost two weeks.

life, why are you moving so fast?

enzo, why are you growing so fast?

and, sidenote, but do you notice that my "fall" pillows still sit on the couch?  ha.

i woke up this morning feeling slowly buried under projects and chores continually put off.  i felt totally yuck fibro-wise (really praying i don't have to break out the cane anytime soon) and couldn't handle being so out of control of my health and my house at the same time.  obviously the larger issue here is learning to give God control, but i also know that being a wise homemaker is important.  basically, i needed to get my behind in gear.

so i sent jesse off on his own for gia's stitches removal.  i didn't go to the gym to work out.  i even put a movie on for my kiddos.  and i ignored my achey body and its complaints.

i have washed and dried three loads of laundry.  fourth in the washer now.

filled, emptied, and filled again the dishwasher.  (yes, there was a pan from thursday of last week making its home in the sink.)  i will try to empty and fill it one more time before day's end in order to catch up there.

i plopped a roast in the crock pot, cut and boiled potatoes, and simmered some frijoles. and did a few other food related activities.

not to mention all of the normal day-to-day, mama-of-three type things. 

i still feel horrible.  physically that is.  but not any worse than this morning.  and i have rested in between.

i think i made the right choices today.  living in chaos is not good for anybody in mi familia.  and i am going to celebrate today's victory.

oh and it helps that i have a date tonight with my hot husband. :)

feelin' the love

this was fun to see today. thanks for loving our little stitched doll.  check out the feeling stitchy blog for lots of great embroidery projects and tutorials.




(and my cashew embroidery was featured back in october, but i missed it at the time.  once again, thanks!)

it is funny to me that until last year, i had never embroidered a thing since girlhood.  i just love it.  such a great lap craft for the end of a long day.  or when fibro pain is keeping me on the couch.

morning math

fibro + cold weather + fourteen pound baby in carseat carrier = one wiped out mama in pain

i don't think i can add prep for the hart family olympics to that equation.  oh well.  the kiddos will love any games we come up with at the last minute and i don't think they will realize the food is not canadian themed. :)

the fibro blues

thought i would share that i am having a tough day. funny thing is, it is because i am sleeping. for three nights straight i slept a full 7-8 hours. amazing, right? my generous and fab husband woke up with enzo for bottle feedings so i could regain much needed rest. so what is the problem? well, my body woke up each morning feeling like it had been run over. i think i am seeing a backlash from the previous months worth of sleep deprivation. fibromyalgia is funny like that. i can't predict how or when it will flare up.

so it has been tough this week. no real morning routine - pajama days, breakfast in front of the tv, and a kitchen sink full of dishes. no making it to the gym for zumba. oh yeah, and jesse is still working gobs of overtime. yada yada. . .

the emotional component is that if my mornings are bad, i have a hard time pulling it together for the rest of the day. i just want to lay in bed. i am overwhelmed by being "behind" on life. i feel like a bad mama. i get frustrated at my health for stifling my creativity.

lots of leaning on Him for strength my body and mind do not have. i know this funk will lift, but i thought i would share. thanks for "listening."

(and, yes, this photo has little to do with my ramblings. just gratuitous cuteness.)

friday afternoon (finally)

are you glad this week is over? so ready for the weekend? i am on both counts. totally wiped. maybe something to do with hitting the gym for the first time in six months - yeah, the fibro is not a fan. oh and there is the whole not sleeping well thing. i gave up on housework for the week. included this information in one of my tweets today and found out (via facebook) that i am not the only one behind on laundry (thanks alison and megan for making me feel better). tomorrow will be some major catch-up on chores time. yay.

the kiddos and i spent the late afternoon piled up on the daybed. mostly laughing, a few little pushing matches and lots of lovin' on the goo (which, by the way, is enzo's number one nickname 'round these parts.) question: any parents ever been tempted to set up a cage match for the littles so they can just go at it without continuous refereeing? no? me neither.)

our hartbeat 2010 (part one)

as we approach the new year, i have been thinking about the purpose of this blog. for the most part, i have limited the content to anecdotes and photos of our beautiful family, lovely home, and evolving artistic endeavors. it has been so much fun to share our lives with those near and far, our family, friends, and even strangers. the plan is to continue to share these snapshots into casita hart.

but blogs evolve. i have made some obvious layout changes, am going through the archives to label past posts and doing other general clean-up. but more importantly, i would like to expand the content. the plan is still taking shape and as it does, i would like to introduce you, dear reader, to the changes.
____________________________________________________________________

one topic i have not addressed often or thoroughly on this blog is my ongoing struggle with fibromyalgia. one day i will tell my story with more detail. but, to be brief, i was diagnosed in march of '99 after spending a year with unexplained widespread pain and extreme fatigue. since that time, i have been learning to cope with the limitations of my illness.

note: this has been an uphill battle fought kicking and screaming. in no way let my sometimes clinical discussion (such as above) fool you. at times i like to remove myself from the ridiculously complicated emotions tangled up in this decade long struggle.

this year, i plan on including more regular posts on how fibro effects my life as a wife, mama, homemaker, friend, artist and most importantly follower of jesus. i admit that this is a bit self-serving - i consider it a type of therapy to compose my thoughts here - i am a verbal processor - rambling about in blogland. (jesse is an excellent sounding board, but our time together is limited and precious. my blog has all the time in the world.)

i think that sharing my stories - letting you in on the blood, sweat and tears - could be encouraging. don't you have something that holds you back from who you want to be? i would guess that all of us could relate to that - whether a physical illness, a spiritual crisis, emotional baggage - we can learn from each other.

not that i am an ultimate authority, but i can share with you our personal journey - the costs (and, surprisingly, the rewards) of living with fibro.

7 glorious hours

perhaps i was being a bit melodramatic last night. one sleepless night does not make an insomniac. yet, i need - physically need - good rest. i know everyone does - but us fibro folks really need it. like, "i am going to suffer the consequences for weeks" need it. i was able to get just under 7 hours last night. i am still feeling pretty blah, but hopefully things won't get worse.

our family has not coped well with the time change. luca is still sleeping and gia is awake but too tired to do anything. we are sitting on the couch watching sesame street. i don't think the two little ones have been asleep before 9:30pm yet. jesse and i have plans to address that tonight, but we'll see if victory will be ours.